Today I took a long, untimed walk through a trail near my neighborhood. I didn’t realize when I moved in that I was about ¼ of a mile away from this awesome trail system that goes through my town, through the woods, under highways, and every other way you could imagine. It runs along a creek, and it makes me feel like I’m a world away from an actual city, when I’m really still in it.
Last night my kids stayed at my mom’s house, which is something they’ve been doing about once a week since I’ve been here. I woke up this morning feeling a little bit empty. My new house is so quiet, and as much as I’ve felt overwhelmed in the last few months, and I really appreciate being able to miss my kids, it feels lonely without them even for a day.
I started to think about my relationships, friendships, family, my place in this world. All on a Sunday morning. So after I finished my frozen burrito, I decided to get off my ass and out of my head. It’s a luxury I wasn’t taking advantage of. Even though I’ve walked this trail a few times by now, I’ve never once walked it alone.
When I used to ride my bike to the beach, I never listened to music or anything. I actually like the sound of silence, and being alone with my thoughts doesn’t scare me. I thought about nothing sometimes. I passed families with kids and thought about marriage, my marriage, their marriage, thinking ‘I had that one time.’ Or at least I used to be able to portray what this family is portraying now.
I pet some dogs that were super friendly. I stopped and looked at the trees—the greenery here is so lush! I tried my best to take it all in and, like, acknowledge thoughts as they came without judging them and without bursting into tears. It’s not an overarching sadness, but it’s a little bit of an unknown that comes with starting over and having options. Standing in the middle of the woods actually does put things in perspective.
So even though I wasn’t checking my time or miles as I went (because I just wanted to walk until I didn’t want to walk anymore), it ended up being about 6 miles. I came back home and made this meatloaf for Harry, Beau, and me for dinner tonight plus these Vegan “Meatballs” just for fun.