walking by myself

Today I took a long, untimed walk through a trail near my neighborhood.  I didn’t realize when I moved in that I was about ¼ of a mile away from this awesome trail system that goes through my town, through the woods, under highways, and every other way you could imagine.  It runs along a creek, and it makes me feel like I’m a world away from an actual city, when I’m really still in it. 

30420089_679060729099233_6000459321312280576_nLast night my kids stayed at my mom’s house, which is something they’ve been doing about once a week since I’ve been here.  I woke up this morning feeling a little bit empty.  My new house is so quiet, and as much as I’ve felt overwhelmed in the last few months, and I really appreciate being able to miss my kids, it feels lonely without them even for a day. 

I started to think about my relationships, friendships, family, my place in this world.  All on a Sunday morning.  So after I finished my frozen burrito, I decided to get off my ass and out of my head.  It’s a luxury I wasn’t taking advantage of.  Even though I’ve walked this trail a few times by now, I’ve never once walked it alone. 

When I used to ride my bike to the beach, I never listened to music or anything.  I actually like the sound of silence, and being alone with my thoughts doesn’t scare me.  I thought about nothing sometimes.  I passed families with kids and thought about marriage, my marriage, their marriage, thinking ‘I had that one time.’  Or at least I used to be able to portray what this family is portraying now. 

30420819_679060675765905_8478088408047026176_nI pet some dogs that were super friendly.  I stopped and looked at the trees—the greenery here is so lush!  I tried my best to take it all in and, like, acknowledge thoughts as they came without judging them and without bursting into tears.  It’s not an overarching sadness, but it’s a little bit of an unknown that comes with starting over and having options.  Standing in the middle of the woods actually does put things in perspective. 

So even though I wasn’t checking my time or miles as I went (because I just wanted to walk until I didn’t want to walk anymore), it ended up being about 6 miles.  I came back home and made this meatloaf for Harry, Beau, and me for dinner tonight plus these Vegan “Meatballs” just for fun.